open your memory hole

possibly the finest writing I've ever seen in Wikipedia. From the section on the alleged movie Road House:

Dalton is cut in a scrape with Wesley's henchman and visits the local hospital for staples to his wound. The doctor offers a local anesthetic, but when Dalton refuses, she asks "Do you enjoy pain ?". Dalton, in a moment showcasing his philosophical tendencies, proclaims: "Pain don't hurt", which later on is in conflict with his actions after getting beat up, he winces in pain which apparently DOES hurt.

...in fact, the whole thing is THAT good. It needs archival past the hobgoblins of little minds taking smaller things bigly on Wikipedia (read: "editing", although this is the bible, so hands off). It also needs pictures. So without further ado, and before they can delete their copy, the Wikipedia entry for the movie Road House, illustrated. Again, I did not write this, I just felt like it was too good to last, so I saved it and picked a few pictures.

Based on a true story, Swayze plays Dalton, a professional "cooler" with a mysterious past, a degree in philosophy from New York University, and a specialization in cleaning up rough establishments.




Lured away from his current job to work at the Double Deuce in Jasper, Missouri, Dalton quickly makes an enemy of local kingpin Brad Wesley (Ben Gazzara), who has made his fortune extorting the townsfolk and monopolizing the liquor trade.



Dalton also hooks up with his old friend, house musician Cody (singer/guitarist Jeff Healey),



who fills him in on the sorry state of the establishment and warns the rest of the staff that Dalton will "seal their fate" if they get out of line. Dalton quickly asserts himself in his new role by kicking ass and initiating a turn around of the Double Deuce from a fight and drug haven to an acceptable establishment. After showcasing his penchant for putting beat downs on drunk party-goers, Cody declares: "The name...is...Dalton!", thus signifying his official arrival.



First Dalton dismisses Wesley's cronies from the Double Deuce. Dalton then begins to clean up the bar from the inside out. After renovation work, a new Double Deuce opens, without the usual roadhouse chicken wire across the stage. Business vastly improves. Gone are the dirty rough housers that frequented the establishment in its previous incantation; replaced by a more upscale clientele.



Meanwhile, Wesley recruits his most prized thug, "Jimmy" (Marshall R. Teague), a murderous ex-con, to smash monster trucks into buildings and terrorize the citizenry. Jimmy displays the type of skill no one else possesses for the eventual clash with the equally hot Dalton.



During another destructive fight at the Double Deuce, Wesley's girlfriend "Denise" climbs on stage and performs a striptease. Dalton calmly escorts her off stage back to Wesley and proclaims: "If you're gonna have a pet, keep it on a leash."



Wesley allows Jimmy to "have his way" with the Double Deuce bouncers but the ensuing brawl is promptly interrupted by Wesley who wishes to put an end to the violence, even though he has been the root cause of it. The people now begin to look to Dalton to liberate them from Wesley's clutches.



Dalton is cut in a scrape with Wesley's henchman and visits the local hospital for staples to his wound. The doctor offers a local anesthetic, but when Dalton refuses, she asks "Do you enjoy pain ?". Dalton, in a moment showcasing his philosophical tendencies, proclaims: "Pain don't hurt", which later on is in conflict with his actions after getting beat up, he winces in pain which apparently DOES hurt. The doctor and Dalton strike up a friendship which leads to two of them dating. The local physician, Elizabeth Clay (Kelly Lynch), called "Doc" is Wesley's ex-girlfriend. She and Dalton are seen together around town.



Wesley calls Dalton to his bungalow to talk truce. When Dalton arrives he notices Denise has bruises over her body which she attempts to cover up but fails to do. Wesley, recognizing Dalton's skill and flair, offers Dalton a chance to come work for him. Dalton refuses to take sides with the despised Wesley. In return, Wesley blows up the local auto-parts store owned by Clay's uncle (Red, because he has red hair) (Red West) who has befriended Dalton as a signal to those who would betray him and because Dalton is unavoidably attractive.



Dalton's mentor Wade Garrett (Sam Elliott) arrives in town. Wade is an aging cooler who, though not as hot as Dalton, taught Dalton everything he knows, although his glory days are now long behind him. Dalton introduces Wade to his the woman he is currently sleeping with: "Doc" Clay. After a night of carousing, Wade and Doc dance together in a diner. Doc goes to work to treat patients after being up all night, drinking. Wade interrupts a shipment of liquor Dalton gets without using Wesley's operation. Wesley's goons fight Dalton and Wade to a draw, but then Wesley dispatches Jimmy to blow up the farmhouse where Dalton is staying.



During this time, Wade tries to convince Dalton to leave town and leave the town's troubles (as well as his girlfriend Doc) behind. Dalton, determined, argues with Wade about the right thing to do. Their passion built up; they nearly rain blows on each other. Wade stops one of Dalton's blows with his fist. Their eyes meet and Wade declares: "We don't want to do this!" This would be the last time they would ever enjoy each other's musk as Dalton decides to bring Wesley to his knees, but he still has to deal with Jimmy.



During the ensuing melee, Jimmy declares his love/hatred for Dalton by declaring "I used to fuck guys like you in prison". Dalton reacts, in a fit of passionate rage, by ripping Jimmy's throat out. He sets him adrift face down, sans throat, in the pond that separates Dalton's and Wesley's domiciles. Wesley's last henchman is now dead. In revenge, Wesley beats up his defenseless girlfriend and then declares that he will kidnap and murder either Wade or Elizabeth if Dalton doesn't leave town. He flips a coin to decide who will be murdered (Heads=Doc, Tails=Wade). Dalton finds Wade dead at the Double Deuce (it was tails). He then rushes to confront Wesley in a final showdown.



Rigging his car to crash into Wesley's house as a distraction, Dalton sneaks into Wesley's compound and proceeds to take out each of his thugs one at a time. Dalton finds Wesley hiding in the trophy room, and the two fight until Dalton pins Wesley with his knees on each shoulder. Starting down at Wesley, Dalton, hurting from a wound, threatens to rip Wesley's throat out. But Dalton takes pity on him and sees the error of his own violent ways; he turns his back, giving Wesley the opportunity to attack again.



Doc shows up just in time to watch as the townsfolk Wesley has bullied over the years come to Dalton's defense, repeatedly shooting Wesley with their shotguns. The police show up and immediately question the townsfolk. The townsfolk brazenly deceive the police by hiding any knowledge of the cause of Wesley's death, despite the fact that they were only ones present. The police, completely fooled by the cagey townsfolk, make little effort to investigate the matter. The town is finally freed from Wesley's tyranny.

like money for groceries for hairdos

The signs on the bus tell you to know what to expect when your cell is asked to call 9-1-1. The contingency plans for developing a mental block against dialing 4-1-1 when trying to query "Best practices for confrontations with primordial sub-mattress entities who've lost their way home?" Not so coalesced.



He said he was just in the relationship for the tickets, and he was just getting the tickets for the relationship. I told him he'd lost perspective and become needlessly recursive.



The set of the things I like includes Cold War nostalgiabation, chili cheese Fritos. Also,



And of course, baked goods.

Songs Uri Gellar's Mom Never Taught Him

Imagine I'm a stand-up comic. This will involve two things which I'm in equal non-possession of as the ability to spin a basketball on my fingertip and the ability to dunk. Namely: timing and a funny face. So while we're in fantasy land, I'm going to speak factually on things I have no experience in, but I'm going to keep it within the realm of possibility, so the sex jokes, even if fictitious, will still be about sex with MYSELF.



With that said:

Have you ever been masturbating on a Saturday night around that time where it's not so late that you can fully devote your attention to JUST porn, because there's still that one hour of vaguely entertaining/comforting syndication between prime time and paid programming?



What I'm talking about is the times when you can't decide whether to completely focus your attention on the screencap of Jessica Alba dressed as Catwoman, or an episode of Barney Miller you haven't seen but once. You're sort of hard, sort of limp, but you know if you just gave up, the rest of the show would be ruined for you anyways, yet you still just don't feel like hitting mute. What you're having now, is angry sex with yourself.

"I know who's boss around here! If I want to veg out AND get my rocks off, I CAN DO THAT. I DON'T HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOU, ME!"



It's a grudge match with your libido. You press down on the base of your cock, grit your teeth, and just FOCUS ON THE ITCH. You ride it to the end. Oh! You can just SEE the orgasm coming on your pleasure motion tracker.



Hot shit! Its going to work! You could bend erotic silverware with your concentration. And Fish just got off a good line! HAH! You're laughing AND coming, and you haven't done that since you were actually fucking someone else and you suddenly realized just how funny the phrase 'heaving breasts' really is!



BELLS! WHISTLES! OH.YOUR. GOD. HAHA! OH FISH! FISH! FISH! FISH!!!!

all he wanted to do was get it out of there, it didn't matter where it went

Florida State football fandom, you can get with this (in theory):

...but can you live with being named that? (not that there's anything wrong with it)

I think you'll get with...wait, there is nothing phat about FSU, even if they beat Clemson tonight.

Let me tar zxvf that for you: In the land of the blind man rapping by saying a word twice, the one eyed 30 somethings are still kings.



Selah on that for a minute.

***

Demosthenes, Locke, & Hobbes, They're Cops. Dept:

People's Liberation Army hacks into Pentagon computers. Angela Merkel feels their pain.

Despite the moo shu pork-smelling threat, our Fearless Fearmongerest Leader gets ready to schedule Appalachian State for another rent-a-surgical strike. Nothing could POSSIBLY go wrong here. It's a Division I-AA, uh I mean, third world army! Quagmire? Who's talking about quagmire when it's a $400,000 guaranteed win!? Sign off on those 1 mill washers and pass me a comfort girl!

***

Meanwhile, we waste the rest of our goodwill in the Americas by pounding the living be-Thor-us out of everyone else. It makes you wonder if Operation Enduring Expense Account would have been more successful if
was
,

6 was 9, and
was .

I enjoyed this tournament, safety-worded reader. Not just because being on the West Coast allowed me to catch it at a convenient hour, but because for the first time ever, I got to be in on the big damn joke secret of LBJ, Melo, and Mamba. Instead of having to play 1 on 5 with four teammates just getting in the way, they got to play with, and as, equals, and it was glorious. So hagiographic indeed, that if they had a couple more years of seasoning and time to gell with each other like shoe inserts, I honestly like their chances against the Original Dream Team. Sure, there would have been no stopping Michael Keaton feeding Christopher Lloyd in the post, but youth would most certainly have been served.



I've been Thin Lizzy, you've been the KISS Air National Guard. Good night.

hard...goddamned...work..not...going THERE (a blues subtitled 'the Roxanne Nose Joke Variations')

Dude, I saw the headline on my SciAm feed, and it was like I could HEAR the bar stool squeaking. The universe just flaunted its nose in my field of vision and DARED me to come up with 10 better jokes than a simple rectum reference. CHALLENGE!

Dark Side of Uranus' Rings Reveals Dramatic Changes

AP You can discern the whole lifespan of a planet just by taking a cross section of its rings. Noted physicists weighed in about this new discovery.

"This planet's diet is low in fiber. I got two words for ya, Big U: yogurt enema."- Lisa Randall, Harvard U., now speaking in a nerd's wet dreams near you.



"This planet experienced a major fire somewhere around its 7 gigasecond birthday. Also, his father never encouraged him in Webelos."- Neil "Don't Call Me High School Musical" DeGrasse Tyson, director of the Hayden Planetarium at the American Museum of Natural History



"This planet is definitely more of a Beatles person than a Elvis person. He definitely waits for his turn to speak. I think he should keep his options open this week and take advice from a trusted friend about a new job opportunity. God, religious fundamentalists are retarded!"- Lawrence Krauss- Case Western University, uncloseted Trekkie



"See that irregularity in the zeta ring? That's scarring from an ACL injury. My boy Uranus used to be able to hit the boards like a third year law student! Used to back Neptune into the post on the regular and always stuff Pluto's shit. I seen it!"- Kip Thorne- Cal Tech popularizer of wormholes and sometime nudist



"The infinite variation in the rings shows us the grandeur of God's glory no less than a sunset or Monica Bellucci's chest. Even if He is "just" a supermassive black hole running Knoppix at speeds slower than the tantric orgy at the Happy Delusions Retirement Home."- Frank J. Tipler, of Tulane University and author "Physics of Immortality" and "Physics of Christianity"



"Longer desire lines than a Lush song. This planet would break your heart and you'd love every minute of it. If you really love him, you'll take him for better or for worse, regardless of ring size. GIMME SOME ORANGE JUICE!"- Joao "Fuck a Schwarzchild Radius, Let's Rave!" Mageuijo, lecturer in Theoretical Physics at Imperial College, London



"Look, I'm dead and all, but even my worm-riddled godless bones can see that rings that break like this means one hell of a killer slice. Has worse luck with water traps than a Kennedy curse. Probably plays the ponies, this planet, also dabbles in handwriting analysis when thinks he can spin it into getting him some ass in the bar. Don't loan him money."- Carl Sagan- FOX Sports



"We can derive things like the thickness of the rings: STEATOPYGOUS. How dense they are- Nate Newton, as well as the concentration of dust. IOW, Labiana Sweetwaters shit."- Sir Menelik, aide de camp/foil/breath man to Kool Keith



"Aerogel experiments would confirm this is the kinda planet that would find Carlos Mencia funny. If that's not the best reason to push onto Pluto, I don't know what is."-Steven Weinberg, U of Texas, Austin, author of Dreams Of A Final Theory and one of my email sigs



"What we see is evidence of a massive collision in this planet's history. The potential for discovery about all planets is enormous. I guess what I'm saying is it's time to take Uranus seriously. As serious as my bangs! OH!"- David Deutsch- quantum computing guru, Flock of Seagulls fan

the reading of the minutes at the world's smallest Miki Berenyi fan club

So this is really an attempt to do for the Joker what Milton did for Satan?

Right. The most boring thing you can do when writing Batman is to write Batman. Let's face it, Batman is worse than Dullsville or Smallville. He's a brilliant multibillionaire, who as a complete generality generally aren't very happening people. You can only make so much money before it starts making you, and worse, making your decisions for you. Bruce Wayne wouldn't be Bill Gates or Warren Buffett with a secret life, he'd be openly like Erik Prince crossed with Ray Kurzweil, which would be cool if the first half of that wasn't so frighteningly theocratic.

That's kind of a sweeping statement...

Look, all I'm saying is that you don't make money like that making friends or making the world a better place. Which is fine, neither of those are legitimate business plans. What I'm saying is that sooner or later you go public, you offer stock, and you aren't your own anymore. This is how people who can't stand Bush end up voting for him. This isn't what I came to talk about anyways.

Right, the Joker...

Is a lot more interesting to me. And the dullest thing you can do with him is make his hair green and have him constantly telling sub-Python non sequiturs. The guy I wished would have gotten to write the Joker is Robert Anton Wilson, or Dick. Somehow Grant Morrison hasn't ever really reinvented him in a compelling way, which boggles my mind. The Joker should be like a cross between Cristo, Netochka Nezvanova, Chris Morris, Jandek, people like that. To make him a serial killer who wears face paint or has a shitty outlook on life because he can't make lemonade isn't lazy, it's criminal in the waste of a good premise or waste of good restrictions to go wild with.

Your Joker is defined by your Batman to a degree though, and he's kind of the inverse Dark Knight from the Miller books. Superman actually comes off more like Miller's Batman than Batman.

Yeah, if you start from the premise that obscene amounts of money give you a reason to invest in the security state, it's not a hard decision to make. Combine that with his own sociopathy and it's really easy to make him an unlikeable vigilante, a face to do openly what the government does covertly or nowadays, not even covertly. I have him involved in extraordinary rendition, for example. And if Superman really is about truth, justice, and the American way, then that ought to make him sick, which it does. I just happen to make him aloof and embued with a justifiable superiority complex. The Joker then, becomes what Batman cannot be: the everyman who faced with ever decreasing, ever more meaningless ways to dissent and protest, ever increasing levels of surveillance and control, fights back the only way he knows how: with surrealism, with art, with the imagination.