Songs Uri Gellar's Mom Never Taught Him

Imagine I'm a stand-up comic. This will involve two things which I'm in equal non-possession of as the ability to spin a basketball on my fingertip and the ability to dunk. Namely: timing and a funny face. So while we're in fantasy land, I'm going to speak factually on things I have no experience in, but I'm going to keep it within the realm of possibility, so the sex jokes, even if fictitious, will still be about sex with MYSELF.



With that said:

Have you ever been masturbating on a Saturday night around that time where it's not so late that you can fully devote your attention to JUST porn, because there's still that one hour of vaguely entertaining/comforting syndication between prime time and paid programming?



What I'm talking about is the times when you can't decide whether to completely focus your attention on the screencap of Jessica Alba dressed as Catwoman, or an episode of Barney Miller you haven't seen but once. You're sort of hard, sort of limp, but you know if you just gave up, the rest of the show would be ruined for you anyways, yet you still just don't feel like hitting mute. What you're having now, is angry sex with yourself.

"I know who's boss around here! If I want to veg out AND get my rocks off, I CAN DO THAT. I DON'T HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOU, ME!"



It's a grudge match with your libido. You press down on the base of your cock, grit your teeth, and just FOCUS ON THE ITCH. You ride it to the end. Oh! You can just SEE the orgasm coming on your pleasure motion tracker.



Hot shit! Its going to work! You could bend erotic silverware with your concentration. And Fish just got off a good line! HAH! You're laughing AND coming, and you haven't done that since you were actually fucking someone else and you suddenly realized just how funny the phrase 'heaving breasts' really is!



BELLS! WHISTLES! OH.YOUR. GOD. HAHA! OH FISH! FISH! FISH! FISH!!!!