Dark Side of Uranus' Rings Reveals Dramatic Changes
AP You can discern the whole lifespan of a planet just by taking a cross section of its rings. Noted physicists weighed in about this new discovery.
"This planet's diet is low in fiber. I got two words for ya, Big U: yogurt enema."- Lisa Randall, Harvard U., now speaking in a nerd's wet dreams near you.
"This planet experienced a major fire somewhere around its 7 gigasecond birthday. Also, his father never encouraged him in Webelos."- Neil "Don't Call Me High School Musical" DeGrasse Tyson, director of the Hayden Planetarium at the American Museum of Natural History
"This planet is definitely more of a Beatles person than a Elvis person. He definitely waits for his turn to speak. I think he should keep his options open this week and take advice from a trusted friend about a new job opportunity. God, religious fundamentalists are retarded!"- Lawrence Krauss- Case Western University, uncloseted Trekkie
"See that irregularity in the zeta ring? That's scarring from an ACL injury. My boy Uranus used to be able to hit the boards like a third year law student! Used to back Neptune into the post on the regular and always stuff Pluto's shit. I seen it!"- Kip Thorne- Cal Tech popularizer of wormholes and sometime nudist
"The infinite variation in the rings shows us the grandeur of God's glory no less than a sunset or Monica Bellucci's chest. Even if He is "just" a supermassive black hole running Knoppix at speeds slower than the tantric orgy at the Happy Delusions Retirement Home."- Frank J. Tipler, of Tulane University and author "Physics of Immortality" and "Physics of Christianity"
"Longer desire lines than a Lush song. This planet would break your heart and you'd love every minute of it. If you really love him, you'll take him for better or for worse, regardless of ring size. GIMME SOME ORANGE JUICE!"- Joao "Fuck a Schwarzchild Radius, Let's Rave!" Mageuijo, lecturer in Theoretical Physics at Imperial College, London
"Look, I'm dead and all, but even my worm-riddled godless bones can see that rings that break like this means one hell of a killer slice. Has worse luck with water traps than a Kennedy curse. Probably plays the ponies, this planet, also dabbles in handwriting analysis when thinks he can spin it into getting him some ass in the bar. Don't loan him money."- Carl Sagan- FOX Sports
"We can derive things like the thickness of the rings: STEATOPYGOUS. How dense they are- Nate Newton, as well as the concentration of dust. IOW, Labiana Sweetwaters shit."- Sir Menelik, aide de camp/foil/breath man to Kool Keith
"Aerogel experiments would confirm this is the kinda planet that would find Carlos Mencia funny. If that's not the best reason to push onto Pluto, I don't know what is."-Steven Weinberg, U of Texas, Austin, author of Dreams Of A Final Theory and one of my email sigs
"What we see is evidence of a massive collision in this planet's history. The potential for discovery about all planets is enormous. I guess what I'm saying is it's time to take Uranus seriously. As serious as my bangs! OH!"- David Deutsch- quantum computing guru, Flock of Seagulls fan
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