Fear of a Stat Planet

Complaints about the standoffishness of the world’s brainiest city are older hat than that kettle-looking toboggan you wish your nephew would get it through their head to take off. If you really want to know what this city’s most epic fail is as far as its collective socialization, consider our inability to deliver an unequivocal negative. Long after you stop noticing the freeze, this is what you continue to get (and give) after you actually get regular conversations and circles of Texan & Alaskan expats. (also sometimes called ‘friends’)



Let’s be clear, this is an obvious oxymoron- the no of the 206/425 is an answer characterized by its lack of content. There’s no positive, there’s no negative, there’s no explicit idea as to how the person feels about the proffered invite, although you’d have to be the worst kind of submental (not actually clinically retarded, but clearly missing whatever part of self-reflection that allows one to not only know people aren’t interested in you, but also not care) to miss the implicit.



Q: Why do Seattleites make shitty air traffic controllers?
A: They have to see what the other planes are doing first.
What’s wrong with that? Nothing- if you actually have made plans, and you can’t at the moment recall their specifics.
HOWEVER! If you have no plans, and you cough that answer up, what you have REALLY said- and to anyone intellectually honest there should be no dispute- “that doesn’t sound interesting enough for me to commit to, but should I have no other plans that night and said void in my life didn’t drive me to starting intoxication so early that I don’t just pass out on the couch in front of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, I’ll show up”



Why or how did we get that way? One of my friends suggests:
"I'm thinkin' there may be a relationship between mood stabilizers and the Seattle No. how do you decide what to do if nothing is exciting or awful?"
What happens to make people this way? I think that not only do you take less chances after continually getting your nose slammed in the door for your trouble, eventually you long to dish the rejection yourself.
And like money is the only way some people have of knowing who’s won, turning people down is the only way others have to pad the stats of a social life.



Spade time: we’re in a upwardly mobile, youth-obsessed, trend-ruled, in a word-shallow- city. Not only are we aware, we’re proud of it, and we were drawn to this tendency like a bunch of backpack wearing moths listening to The Decemberists. Well, you people anyways, I fucking hate that band. There’s so much opportunity here, you’d feel like a schmuck if you went by your small town standards of interacting with people or commitments like they’re not only your only option, but a potentially shitty investment that you need to hedge against.



If you don’t believe me, pay attention next time you find yourself in a conversation where standards of loyalty are up for grabs. This city is shameless about constantly looking for a better deal. If the internet didn’t exist, this city would invent it to brag on Yelp about the deal they just got. Let’s loop back and emphasize that word “shameless”, to wit, you cannot shame a Seattleite for being shallow. In fact, it may be the essence of Seattle is a mastery of being an inch deep emotionally and a mile thick intellectually. In Seattle, we tolerate shallow so long as you’re thoughtful. After all, thoughtful people buy coffee and read books, and shallow people make such witty observations on life. You want relationships with people? You want to know where and when people will show up? Whoa whoa whoa, go read a Jan Karan book, Sally Field. I’d love to go on, but I’m getting a fear that I’m not sure when or how it should end. Is it ending? Let me see what I’m up to later this afternoon.



np: Introductory Nomenclature- Telefon Tel Aviv